Actually Writen Friday Night
I’m in the middle of nowhere on highway 83 heading toward Perryton, Texas. I feel somewhat numb. It hasn’t really sunken in. I’m partially excited for my uncle; I mean who doesn’t want to be home right now, instead of this sick sad world. I have head phones on and I can still hear the loud radio, which has nothing on it. I had been worry about what would happen if my uncle were to have died while I was gone; God’s plan is more perfect than mine. I sit in the car pondering God’s will and I’m without words. I suppose if he wanted me to know, he would tell me. My dad confessed that he’s not completely supportive of my France trip. Of course he thinks I should be working this summer to help pay for college. I think I will be okay. God will provide the money somehow. I am being faithful and going out and proclaiming the truth. He’s provided the means for the mission trip, why limit him and paying for college. My mom needs to start looking for a job, I’m afraid farming this summer isn’t going to be the same. I’m not sure if we’ll have crops after this. It’s sad to think that after this wheat harvest, we might not have anyone to farm our land. Perhaps we will get subsidized by the government for leaving the land unfarmed. They do something like that. Jesus saves and grace is sufficient is running through my head like a stock ticker. God has been preparing me for this, I just wasn’t so sure that it was really this he was preparing me for. I love spending time with my family. I just wish it were for fun, rather than to celebrate my uncle’s life and then lay his body in the ground. I hadn’t seen him since January. I think there’s more closure in saying goodbye to a living person, rather than a lifeless body that doesn’t even look like the person. If you called to ask how I’m feeling right now, I would say fine, because I am not really feeling much. I’m almost cold to the idea. I cried on the way home from Fort Collins. I cried when I got the phone call that we needed to leave for Texas tonight, but I didn’t cry when I got the phone call from my sister saying that he had passed. God should be glorified because the man was absolutely in love with him. He was a strong man of faith. What is in an obituary that makes it seem so sad? Why not call it a celebration of life? I have a portfolio due on Wednesday, and an oral. Thursday I have my biochem final and Friday I have my anatomy final. Something tells me that I’m not going to be focused on any of these things. I’m listening to “Waging War” by Shane and Shane, good song. I think this time is going to be different because I actually have friends there to support me. I think I am conditioned to push myself away from everyone, whether that’s a bad thing I don’t know. I told people to pray for me, and I think that’s enough. Tomorrow when I wake up, things might be different. Plans for the funeral will be made. Tears will be shed, tissues used, will I still be hard and cold to it. I probably won’t cry again until the funeral. I will fight it. I don’t really mind showing weakness, but I don’t really like crying for whatever reason. So what? I don’t really want everyone to give me hugs when I get back. I don’t really need that attention. I’ll just want to move on. Praise God for the life he’s given you. We don’t really deserve it, but he’s given us grace and salvation. I have enough battery to last me a little while longer…pray for my aunt Linda…she’s alone. Pray for my mother and my aunt Donna, they weren’t able to say goodbye. Pray for my aunt Dorla…a lot of responsibility has been put on her shoulders; she’s the one in our family that lives in the same town as my uncle. Pray for my relationship with my sister. It’s going to be tested for sure this weekend. God bless.
