Masks

Don't be fooled by me. Don't be fooled by the face I wear. I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks-masks that I am afraid to take off; and none of them are me.

Pretending is an art that is second nature to me, but don't be fooled. For my sake, don't be fooled. I give the impression that i am secure, that all is sunny and unruffled with me as well as without; that confidence is my name and coolness is my game, that the water is calm and I am in command; and that I need no one. But don't believe me, please. My surface may seem smooth, but my surface is my mastk, my ever-varying and ever-concealing mask.

Beneath lies no smugness, no complacence. Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear, in aloneness. But I hide that. I don't want anybody to know it. I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear being exposed. That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind--a nochalant, sophisticated facade--to help me pretend, to shield me from the glance that he knows. But such a glance is preciesely my salvation, my only salvation and I know it. That is, if it's followed by acceptance. If it's followed by love.

It's the only thing that liberates me from myself, from my own self-built prison wall, from the barries I so painstakingly erect. It's the only thing that will assure me of what I can't assure myself--that I am really something...

Who am I, you may wonder. I am someone you know very well. I am every man you meet. I am every woman you meet. I am every child you meet. I am right in front of you. Please...love me.

A Month of Summer

I'm relatively done with one month of summer. The weather hasn't proved to be much summer esk. I've moved back home, settled in a room that's not my own, started working two jobs which aren't very fruitful in the sense of green, fell in and out of love and ready for something new. I don't know whether to blame my A.D.D. or if I should just blame my desire for newness and adventure. So here's a toast to adventure. What will I find in this wonderland of life? Shall I pray for newness in spirit or rather a quenching of my thirst? Time will tell...this song came on right after Matt got out of the car yesterday...


Behind These Hazel Eyes
by Kelly Clarkson
album: Breakaway (2004)
Seems like just yesterday, you were a part of me
I used to stand so tall, I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight, everything it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothing could go wrong
Now I can't breathe, no I can't sleep
I’m barely hanging on
[Chorus:]
Here I am, once again
I’m torn into pieces, can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
I told you everything, opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright, for once in my life
Now all that’s left of me is what I pretend to be
So together, yet so broken up inside
Cause I can’t breathe, no I can’t sleep
I’m barely hanging on
[Chorus:]
Here I am, once again
I’m torn into pieces, can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
Swallow me, then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Seeing you, it kills me now
No, I don’t cry on the outside anymore
Anymore
[Chorus:]
Here I am, once again
I’m torn into pieces, can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
[Chorus:]
Here I am, once again
I’m torn into pieces, can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

What you do to me

PLAIN WHITE T'S LYRICS

"Hey There Delilah"

Hey there Delilah
What's it like in New York City?
I'm a thousand miles away
But girl tonight you look so pretty
Yes you do
Times Square can't shine as bright as you
I swear it's true

Hey there Delilah
Don't you worry about the distance
I'm right there if you get lonely
Give this song another listen
Close your eyes
Listen to my voice it's my disguise
I'm by your side

Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
What you do to me

Hey there Delilah
I know times are getting hard
But just believe me girl
Someday I'll pay the bills with this guitar
We'll have it good
We'll have the life we knew we would
My word is good

Hey there Delilah
I've got so much left to say
If every simple song I wrote to you
Would take your breath away
I'd write it all
Even more in love with me you'd fall
We'd have it all

Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me

A thousand miles seems pretty far
But they've got planes and trains and cars
I'd walk to you if I had no other way
Our friends would all make fun of us
and we'll just laugh along because we know
That none of them have felt this way
Delilah I can promise you
That by the time we get through
The world will never ever be the same
And you're to blame

Hey there Delilah
You be good and don't you miss me
Two more years and you'll be done with school
And I'll be making history like I do
You know it's all because of you
We can do whatever we want to
Hey there Delilah here's to you
This ones for you

Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
What you do to me.

CRY OUT!!

"Perhaps it was because to a certain degree he now understood what they were feeling. They were hurting, yes, and dying, pulled steadily downwards by despair, but they were crying out because they knew they would be heard; they were reaching desperately for hope because they knew it was there. They knew. As much as they would argue against it and deny it in the light of day and in the clatter and diversion of their social circles, in their souls they still knew." The Prophet by Frank E. Peretti

My mood through lyrics...

Matt Wertz
Sweetness In Starlight


Fallin' asleep
To the sound of stars
Shooting 'round the moon
But I can't watch them fly tonight, baby
I'm too busy watchin' you.
I guess your smile is the sun's way
Of lighting up what's dark
So shine, shine, shine for me baby
It only takes a spark

Sweetness in starlight
Sweetness 'til the day sighs
Sweetness in starlight
Sweetness 'til the sun rise

And there's nothing under these bright stars
That could bring this night to ruin
So hold on tightly to me baby
Because tonight's gonna end too soon
And you're touch is potent medicine
Knocks me out with just one shot
I've never seen such strong elixir, baby
Fixes all that I'm not
You fix all that I'm not, yeah.

Sweetness in starlight
Sweetness 'til the day sighs
Sweetness in starlight
Sweetness 'til the sun rise

I'm holding so tightly, baby
I won't let you go.

Comin' back before she does

A week and a half and I shall not live in Greeley for over a year. Is that amazing or what? I should hope so. I will be moving to my parents house in Aurora for the next four months and then moving my little self to Tours, France.

There it is. Such a cute place. I'm really excited to explore it and find it's quirks. I've been really thinking about how I'm going to change and how everyone else is goin to change. I'm somewhat worried that I'll change friends again once I get back and will only have a semester with everyone before I have to move on to grad school? another excursion? perhaps grow-up and get a job? I don't really know obviously what is after this thing called college. I have been thinking about going to seminary...Maybe i could do the real life job thing while taking a few classes here and there, but I'm not even sure what kind of job I can get, especially with a French BA and Political Science minor, but I guess they are just looking for people who have degrees now adays, so what the heck. I'll just have to wait and see what's going to happen.

Why do you believe what you believe? Can you stand up for yourself?

Where I am

Lonely Tonight
by Matt Wertz
album: Somedays (2001)


Sixth and Green is the one place in November
When the air is cold and the leaves blow on the ground
And I don't think that I can even remember
Why it was that I came to this town

'Cause I just wanna be lonely tonight
Just me and my maker in this cold moon light
yeah yeah, oh yeah, alright

This is me on the eve of an ending
To what i've known as constant for a year
I'm so scared this pain that I will be sending
Sometimes I just wanna run away in fear

'Cause I just wanna be lonely tonight
Just me and my maker in this cold moon light
yeah yeah oh yeah alright

I haven't heard your voice in two weeks now
Anticipations been wearing me thin
And I just can't help but wonderin baby if somehow
We can tear these pages out and begin again

'Cause I just wanna be lonely tonight
Just me and my maker in this cold moon light
Yeah I just wanna be lonely tonight
With no one around to see this sight
Of me lying here mmm yeah

'Cause this is the hardest thing i've ever done before
I said this is the hardest thing i've ever done before
I said this is the hardest thing i've ever done before
And I don't wanna be lonely
No, I don't wanna be lonely no more
And I won't be lonely tonight
'Cause my makers holding me

I long for you.

I haven't posted in a really long time and I think it affects my outlook on life and my ability to vent. So here's a brief synopsis of the last couple of weeks.

Saturday March 31- Jere Wayne Ivy (my cousin) died in a car accident...killing the other drive and putting the other driver's wife in the hospital. My family decided to drive out there for the funeral, and I saw my uncle for the first time that I can remember. I saw my cousin's baby Alec who is soo adorable and such a good baby, 7th months old and without a daddy. In the process I missed about a week of school and was really behind.

For whatever reason I feel like death follows me around waiting for the most opportune time to take another one of my family members. A couple of weeks before that the church I went to was having a funeral for one of it's family's son. That same day another lady came in and was weepy and explained that her son had died right before Christmas and that she had no use for the photo paper and wanted to return it. I had a feeling God was preparing me for something. I talked about it with a few people and now I think they agree with me.

Roomie broke up with her boyfriend last night and has been crying a lot. I'm really lost as to how to support her and what she needs. It breaks my heart to see her that way. I think that is why I push away any and all guys whom I think have an interest in me, kinda like my neighbor. Not that dating my neighbor would have been a good idea, but still is a great example. I'm lonely with you roomie.

Four weeks until the end of the semester. Then I'm home for May, June, July, and August. I'm trying to find a job. I applied to be a coach for kids 4-14. How fun would that be. Plus I'd get to be out in the sun and I'm hoping that it pays decently and that maybe I can work at Office Depot part time too. I know God will provide like he did last year with the support raising. It is going to be difficult to live with my parents again for 4 months. I won't be paying rent and I won't have to pay for a lot of my food so I should save a lot of money.

Prayer requests for anyone who reads: finding a job, finishing out the semester, figuring out my heart.
thanks god bless

Random Drive

Random elk we saw in Estes the other night. It was pretty sweet because they were walking right by the car. I'm glad they didn't get mad and start to charge it though.

on a more positive note

This is a list of things that are positive in my life-
Work: they are give me hours and I'm making money
School: classes aren't too hard
House: only there limited amount of time. I have food to eat and bed to sleep in a very nice bed.
Roommate-never really home we don't talk much
Friends-building relationships with new people. girls at that!
family-no problems that i know of. seeing them this weekend
car- it runs
no boy drama
i don't have IR on friday
I saw a friend from middle school tonight while working
i bought a cute lamp at work.
jesus loves me
meh i am really struggling to be positive and this didn't really help much. :(

Over a month

It's been over a month since school started. I haven't gone home in a long time. I like living in my own apartment. Sometimes cooking for myself gets to be old, but at least I can eat whatever I want. I'm working between 2-30 hours a week at Office Depot and Kidz Night Out. I am taking 14 hours this semester. French 414, French 301, Human Geog, Macro, and into to international relations. It's cool, but somewhat boring. I work Sunday's so I don't get to go to church anymore. I go to Bible studies on Monday nights. God has blessed me with a wonderful group of girls. Satan has been relentless, but God's been winning for the most part. Not much time to really go into detail...

Normal life

So here it is...normal life. Back to reality where there's this sense of mondane scheduling and a huge to do list. I got a job this week....Office Depot, working evenings 5-10 probably 20 hours a week. Not bad. I might cut back though. I want to have a social life to and just kinda get to know my friends for real this semester. I think I'm going to talk to my new manager about letting me have a friday/saturday night off once a week so that I can do this kids thing. I really want to make a difference in the community and an impact for God. I'm really excited for classes to start on Monday. Two French classes, international relations class, human geo, and macro...sounds like it's goin to be an interesting semester. I've been having amazing quiet times. God has been so gracious, but satan has been relentless in his attacks against me. I really need to get that group together to start praying and maybe we will get stronger against his attacks, but I am certain that he will only up the stakes. Especially if we are praying for the people that he owns right now. The lost on campus are one of my focuses this semester. Along with finding my group of girls. I really liked just hanging out with girls this summer and I've been longing for that relationship in the weeks I've been home. I think I want to be done telling the stories about Paris and just use what I've learned. I think I'm looking back at it too much...well here's to the next 15/16 weeks of classes. Pray for my roommate. She's a great friend and needs to find Jesus' love again.

One step closer...

My bible study was amazing this morning. I am greatly blessed by our Lord and Savoir. I've spent this apparently dreary morning watching a sad movie... Steel Magnolias followed by listening to Mercy Me and diving into my Experiencing the Heart of Jesus Bible study. Today was a look toward heaven that sent my heart to dancing. How can the thought of being one step closer to seeing Glory face to face. Will I be speechless? Or will I sing praises to the King? I will not shead a tear, for tears will be no more!! There will be no sadness, no mourning, no "good days" and "bad days." We will all be made new and be in the presence of our creator.
Here are a few verses to check out, hopefully they will encourage you as they did me.
Hebrews 12:2 Revalations 22:12 Habakkuk 3:17-18. Well those are just a few...but I pray God blesses you today.

Preparation

I'm spending a lot of time in the word and in prayer because I have nothing else to do. Perhaps I should go out and try and meet people and start building relationships with people who don't know Christ. I'll continue to pray and let God lead me. Hope all is well.

Moved in

Hey... So I have been back for almost a week now. On Wednesday I woke up at 3:30 am. It was glorious. I wash washing clothes by 5am. I went shopping with my mom to look for a comforter and ended up buying one from Kohls, it's jean/khaki. I like it a lot. I got my hair cut and then I moved up to Greeley. Got my bed in order, made the futon in the living room, and got some of my clothes put away. Thursday I went and bought groceries and job hunting...it sucked. I did like 6 applications. Then my breaks weren't really working, so my dad ended up putting some in my car. I came back had a hamburger on a nicely lit charcoal grill. It was very tasty. Friday I did some more unpacking...putting things in place...or just somewhere for the time being. My mom called and said that she got a job so I packed up some clothes and headed down to Denver. The only catch was, my breaks weren't really working again, and the light was on. Hmmm. I drove 65 miles with breaks that bearly work. It was kinda sketchy, but I did stop to buy some okra and cantelope. I was way excited. My family and I ate at Stewart Anderson's, which was very good. Friday night I just kinda hung out at the house with the family. Saturday I got up early again, but this time due to my loud barking dogs...my mom and I started looking on craigslist for a dresser and we ended up finding a garage sale, and worked our way over there...it's amazing. I painted it and all that. I did some more hanging out at the house and just relaxing. Sunday I went to church in English...wow it's wonderful to hear God's word in your own language. French is good, but I don't understand it much, so kinda difficult. I had lunch with Janell, a friend from elementary school. That was a lot of fun. We talked for a bit and then I left to go show my pictures to the other college students from church. I hung out with Britta, ate some Thai food and had some starbucks. This morning I got a call for an interview at Office Depot, so I packed up, got to greeley unloaded some stuff with the help of Jordan, and then went to the interview. I had to go do a drug test, and I totally couldn't do it. I duno what my deal was, but finally I got it and it worked out. My room is almost together minus a few things and it's quite nice to finally just be able to relax in my room. Next task is the kitchen and living room....not looking forward to it. Watch out for pics of my new place...new look and random Greeley living.

These are all my wonderful friends...Praise God!!!

Last Day

Today was my last day in Paris. I have some days inbetween travelling, but those don't really count. I slept, watched the rain, and hung out and read. Then we left to have a going away party, and it was a lot of fun. It was supposed to be a surprise, but we knew...but it was my first surprise party. I love the people here, so I will surely miss then. I have great pictures and would love to share them with anyone who hasn't seem them. Lots of stories as well. Be back in a week and a day. Looking forward to it, but it's hard to say goodbye.

new pics

hey..i added some new photos from a boat cruise we took and some of mani...you all should check them out.

MOUNTAINS!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh how I miss the mountains dearly and God knew it and he allowed me to come to dear Switzerland. I am so greatful. The view is amazing. There's the lake and then mountains all around...wonderful. Work, however, is hard. We are doing surveys and it is hard to stand outside all afternoon and only get a few people to actually do surveys. Thursday was wonderful we each made contacts and hopefully we will have meetings with them next week. Last week we had six girls living in our apartment, but one went back home this weekend...wow, so now five in the same small apartment. It's like a slumber party for a whole month. Almost dorm life, but not quite because I have my own room and I don't have to share the bathroom with as many people. I have been reading two books this week. Jesus the One and Only and Captivating wonderful books that are soothing to my soul. When I get back to the states there is so much that I must tell. One month minus a day until I am home. That is exciting and sad all the same. For the last week I might be going to Strasbourg, France to meet up with an International Student. I am really excited to be able to talk to her and get to know her in her own culture. This week we will be on the street Tuesday-Friday/Saturday for surveys and we might have visits as well. Be in prayer for us, so that we might not be discouraged. I added some photos that Marie took in her garden...it's really pretty, you might want to steal them for your computer's background. God bless...Rachelle

Latest...

Since I've been here I've read a number of books. This week I finished The Five Love Languages for Singles and Sacred Romance. They are wonderful...highly reccomended. I need to find something else to read, but I'm afraid with the OM girls moving in on Tuesday there won't be too much time to read. There will be 6 of us in our little apartment, crazy, however, Judith leaves on July 12 to go back to Germany. I will be gone this up coming weekend to Switzerland and then two weekends later Melanie will go to London. Anyway that's just the little update for what's coming up in the future. I have about 5 weeks left. Still not sure what I'll be doing the first week of August. I find out soon who my International Ambasador partner will be in two weeks so maybe I can go visit that person, whomever they will be.