Where I am

EVERYTHING by Lifehouse

find me here
and speak to me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
you are the light
that's leading me
to the place
where I find peace again

you are the strength
that keeps me walking
you are the hope
that keeps me trusting
you are the life
to my soul
you are my purpose
you're everything

and how can I
stand here with you
and not be moved by you
would you tell me
how could it be
any better than this yeah

you calm the storms
and you give me rest
you hold me in your hands
you won't let me fall
you still my heart
and you take my breath away
would you take me in
take me deeper now

and how can I
stand here with you
and not be moved by you
would you tell me
how could it be
any better than this

and how can I
stand here with you
and not be moved by you
would you tell me
how could it be
any better than this

cause you're all I want
you're all I need
you're everything
everything
you're all I want
you're all I need
you're everything
everything
you're all I want
you're all I need
you're everything
everything
you're all I want
you're all I need
you're everything
everything
and how can I
stand here with you
and not be moved by you
would you tell me
how could it be
any better than this

and how can I
stand here with you
and not be moved by you
would you tell me
how could it be
any better than this
would you tell me
how could it be
any better than this

Love Them Like Jesus by Casting Crowns

The love of her life is drifting away
They’re losing the fight for another dayT
he life that she’s known is falling apart
A fatherless home, a child’s broken heart

You’re holding her hand, you’re straining for words
You trying to make - sense of it all
She’s desperate for hope, darkness clouding her view
She’s looking to you

Just love her like Jesus, carry her to Him
His yoke is easy, His burden is light
You don’t need the answers to all of life’s questions
Just know that He loves her and stay by her side
Love her like Jesus
Love her like Jesus

The gifts lie in wait, in a room painted blue
Little blessing from Heaven would be there soon
Hope fades in the night, blue skies turn to grey
As the little one slips away

You’re holding their hand, you’re straining for words
You’re trying to make sense of it all
They’re desperate for hope, darkness clouding their view
They’re looking to you

Just love them like Jesus, carry them to Him
His yoke is easy, His burden is light
You don’t need the answers to all of life’s questions
Just know that He loves them and stay by their side
Love them like Jesus

Lord of all creation holds our lives in His hands
The God of all the nations holds our lives in His hands
The Rock of our salvation holds our lives in His hands
He cares for them just as He cares for you

So love them like Jesus, love them like Jesus
You don’t need the answers to all of life’s questions
Just know that He loves them and stay by their side
Love them like Jesus
Love them like Jesus

Settling in on Rocks

Job 8:11-22
“11Can papyrus grow tall where there is no marsh? Can reeds thrive without water? 12While still growing and uncut, they wither more quickly than grass. 13Such is the destiny of all who forget God; so perishes the hope of the godless. 14What he trusts in is fragile, what he relies on is a spider’s web. 15He leans on his web, but it gives way; he clings to it, but it does not hold. 16He is like a well-watered plant in the sunshine, spreading its shoots over the garden 17it entwines its roots around a pile of rocks and looks for a place among the stones. 18But when it is torn from its spot that place disowns it and says, ‘I never saw you.’ 19Surely its life withers away, and from the soil other plants grow. 20Surely God does not reject a blameless man or strengthen the hands of evildoers. 21He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy. 22Your enemies will be clothed in shame, and the tents of the wicked will be no more.”

Masks

Don't be fooled by me. Don't be fooled by the face I wear. I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks-masks that I am afraid to take off; and none of them are me.

Pretending is an art that is second nature to me, but don't be fooled. For my sake, don't be fooled. I give the impression that i am secure, that all is sunny and unruffled with me as well as without; that confidence is my name and coolness is my game, that the water is calm and I am in command; and that I need no one. But don't believe me, please. My surface may seem smooth, but my surface is my mastk, my ever-varying and ever-concealing mask.

Beneath lies no smugness, no complacence. Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear, in aloneness. But I hide that. I don't want anybody to know it. I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear being exposed. That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind--a nochalant, sophisticated facade--to help me pretend, to shield me from the glance that he knows. But such a glance is preciesely my salvation, my only salvation and I know it. That is, if it's followed by acceptance. If it's followed by love.

It's the only thing that liberates me from myself, from my own self-built prison wall, from the barries I so painstakingly erect. It's the only thing that will assure me of what I can't assure myself--that I am really something...

Who am I, you may wonder. I am someone you know very well. I am every man you meet. I am every woman you meet. I am every child you meet. I am right in front of you. Please...love me.

A Month of Summer

I'm relatively done with one month of summer. The weather hasn't proved to be much summer esk. I've moved back home, settled in a room that's not my own, started working two jobs which aren't very fruitful in the sense of green, fell in and out of love and ready for something new. I don't know whether to blame my A.D.D. or if I should just blame my desire for newness and adventure. So here's a toast to adventure. What will I find in this wonderland of life? Shall I pray for newness in spirit or rather a quenching of my thirst? Time will tell...this song came on right after Matt got out of the car yesterday...


Behind These Hazel Eyes
by Kelly Clarkson
album: Breakaway (2004)
Seems like just yesterday, you were a part of me
I used to stand so tall, I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight, everything it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothing could go wrong
Now I can't breathe, no I can't sleep
I’m barely hanging on
[Chorus:]
Here I am, once again
I’m torn into pieces, can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
I told you everything, opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright, for once in my life
Now all that’s left of me is what I pretend to be
So together, yet so broken up inside
Cause I can’t breathe, no I can’t sleep
I’m barely hanging on
[Chorus:]
Here I am, once again
I’m torn into pieces, can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
Swallow me, then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Seeing you, it kills me now
No, I don’t cry on the outside anymore
Anymore
[Chorus:]
Here I am, once again
I’m torn into pieces, can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
[Chorus:]
Here I am, once again
I’m torn into pieces, can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

What you do to me

PLAIN WHITE T'S LYRICS

"Hey There Delilah"

Hey there Delilah
What's it like in New York City?
I'm a thousand miles away
But girl tonight you look so pretty
Yes you do
Times Square can't shine as bright as you
I swear it's true

Hey there Delilah
Don't you worry about the distance
I'm right there if you get lonely
Give this song another listen
Close your eyes
Listen to my voice it's my disguise
I'm by your side

Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
What you do to me

Hey there Delilah
I know times are getting hard
But just believe me girl
Someday I'll pay the bills with this guitar
We'll have it good
We'll have the life we knew we would
My word is good

Hey there Delilah
I've got so much left to say
If every simple song I wrote to you
Would take your breath away
I'd write it all
Even more in love with me you'd fall
We'd have it all

Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me

A thousand miles seems pretty far
But they've got planes and trains and cars
I'd walk to you if I had no other way
Our friends would all make fun of us
and we'll just laugh along because we know
That none of them have felt this way
Delilah I can promise you
That by the time we get through
The world will never ever be the same
And you're to blame

Hey there Delilah
You be good and don't you miss me
Two more years and you'll be done with school
And I'll be making history like I do
You know it's all because of you
We can do whatever we want to
Hey there Delilah here's to you
This ones for you

Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
What you do to me.

CRY OUT!!

"Perhaps it was because to a certain degree he now understood what they were feeling. They were hurting, yes, and dying, pulled steadily downwards by despair, but they were crying out because they knew they would be heard; they were reaching desperately for hope because they knew it was there. They knew. As much as they would argue against it and deny it in the light of day and in the clatter and diversion of their social circles, in their souls they still knew." The Prophet by Frank E. Peretti

My mood through lyrics...

Matt Wertz
Sweetness In Starlight


Fallin' asleep
To the sound of stars
Shooting 'round the moon
But I can't watch them fly tonight, baby
I'm too busy watchin' you.
I guess your smile is the sun's way
Of lighting up what's dark
So shine, shine, shine for me baby
It only takes a spark

Sweetness in starlight
Sweetness 'til the day sighs
Sweetness in starlight
Sweetness 'til the sun rise

And there's nothing under these bright stars
That could bring this night to ruin
So hold on tightly to me baby
Because tonight's gonna end too soon
And you're touch is potent medicine
Knocks me out with just one shot
I've never seen such strong elixir, baby
Fixes all that I'm not
You fix all that I'm not, yeah.

Sweetness in starlight
Sweetness 'til the day sighs
Sweetness in starlight
Sweetness 'til the sun rise

I'm holding so tightly, baby
I won't let you go.

Comin' back before she does

A week and a half and I shall not live in Greeley for over a year. Is that amazing or what? I should hope so. I will be moving to my parents house in Aurora for the next four months and then moving my little self to Tours, France.

There it is. Such a cute place. I'm really excited to explore it and find it's quirks. I've been really thinking about how I'm going to change and how everyone else is goin to change. I'm somewhat worried that I'll change friends again once I get back and will only have a semester with everyone before I have to move on to grad school? another excursion? perhaps grow-up and get a job? I don't really know obviously what is after this thing called college. I have been thinking about going to seminary...Maybe i could do the real life job thing while taking a few classes here and there, but I'm not even sure what kind of job I can get, especially with a French BA and Political Science minor, but I guess they are just looking for people who have degrees now adays, so what the heck. I'll just have to wait and see what's going to happen.

Why do you believe what you believe? Can you stand up for yourself?

Where I am

Lonely Tonight
by Matt Wertz
album: Somedays (2001)


Sixth and Green is the one place in November
When the air is cold and the leaves blow on the ground
And I don't think that I can even remember
Why it was that I came to this town

'Cause I just wanna be lonely tonight
Just me and my maker in this cold moon light
yeah yeah, oh yeah, alright

This is me on the eve of an ending
To what i've known as constant for a year
I'm so scared this pain that I will be sending
Sometimes I just wanna run away in fear

'Cause I just wanna be lonely tonight
Just me and my maker in this cold moon light
yeah yeah oh yeah alright

I haven't heard your voice in two weeks now
Anticipations been wearing me thin
And I just can't help but wonderin baby if somehow
We can tear these pages out and begin again

'Cause I just wanna be lonely tonight
Just me and my maker in this cold moon light
Yeah I just wanna be lonely tonight
With no one around to see this sight
Of me lying here mmm yeah

'Cause this is the hardest thing i've ever done before
I said this is the hardest thing i've ever done before
I said this is the hardest thing i've ever done before
And I don't wanna be lonely
No, I don't wanna be lonely no more
And I won't be lonely tonight
'Cause my makers holding me

I long for you.

I haven't posted in a really long time and I think it affects my outlook on life and my ability to vent. So here's a brief synopsis of the last couple of weeks.

Saturday March 31- Jere Wayne Ivy (my cousin) died in a car accident...killing the other drive and putting the other driver's wife in the hospital. My family decided to drive out there for the funeral, and I saw my uncle for the first time that I can remember. I saw my cousin's baby Alec who is soo adorable and such a good baby, 7th months old and without a daddy. In the process I missed about a week of school and was really behind.

For whatever reason I feel like death follows me around waiting for the most opportune time to take another one of my family members. A couple of weeks before that the church I went to was having a funeral for one of it's family's son. That same day another lady came in and was weepy and explained that her son had died right before Christmas and that she had no use for the photo paper and wanted to return it. I had a feeling God was preparing me for something. I talked about it with a few people and now I think they agree with me.

Roomie broke up with her boyfriend last night and has been crying a lot. I'm really lost as to how to support her and what she needs. It breaks my heart to see her that way. I think that is why I push away any and all guys whom I think have an interest in me, kinda like my neighbor. Not that dating my neighbor would have been a good idea, but still is a great example. I'm lonely with you roomie.

Four weeks until the end of the semester. Then I'm home for May, June, July, and August. I'm trying to find a job. I applied to be a coach for kids 4-14. How fun would that be. Plus I'd get to be out in the sun and I'm hoping that it pays decently and that maybe I can work at Office Depot part time too. I know God will provide like he did last year with the support raising. It is going to be difficult to live with my parents again for 4 months. I won't be paying rent and I won't have to pay for a lot of my food so I should save a lot of money.

Prayer requests for anyone who reads: finding a job, finishing out the semester, figuring out my heart.
thanks god bless